I Only Drink Coffee on the Days That End in Y

If you’re like most people, when someone asks you, “How do you take your coffee?” your answer might be, “Very seriously!”

Recently I saw a post on Facebook that said, “Coffee is starter fluid for the morning impaired.” Perhaps you know the type. They’re the subhumans who slither out of bed, snarling, hissing and cursing until their forked tongues get their first taste of coffee. And yes, I’m talking about myself.

Nothing is more harrowing than scuttling into the kitchen and finding only a stray bean in the coffee bin.  Suddenly it dawns on you that you’ll be forced to face all the thorny challenges of THE REAL WORLD (like buttoning your shirt) with a mind completely sober of caffeine. In such cases, I long for an emergency alert service, perhaps called Coffee Catastrophe, that would connect me to a dispatcher who will immediately interpret my grunts and roars and send over a steaming cup of java.

I was inducted into the coffee cult late in life. Until recently I pronounced espresso as expresso, thought a barista was a coastal city in Spain, and cluelessly served instant coffee to overnight guests, some of whom are still emotionally scarred by the experience.   

It took me a while to get well-versed in coffee culture. I kept forgetting to remember to leave room in the cup for cream, sugar and anything else that might strike my fancy.  (I think bear claws should be a coffee condiment.)

Also I recall a maiden voyage to a coffee shop where I bravely marched up to the counter and said, “I want a lot.” The puzzled barista said, “A lot of what?”  A friend behind me said, “Forgive her. She’s a coffee novice. She means latte.”

Now I have my coffee legs, and I’m a proud card-carrying member of a culture that celebrates the beloved bean. How much do you love coffee? Here’s a little quiz to test your devotion.

In an emergency will you drink déjà brew, e.g. coffee from yesterday that’s warmed up today?

What is your birthstone?

What is the answer to every question? 

My body is just a ______________.

How do you feel when there’s no coffee in the morning?

A day without coffee is like a day without_____________ .

A yawn is a silent scream for _____________.

How do you drink decaffeinated coffee?

Answers:

1. Of course. You’d drink coffee out of a monkey’s skull or filtered through a hairnet if that’s all that was available.
2. The coffee bean.
3. Coffee
4. Filter
5. Depresso
6. You have no idea. There is no such thing as a day without coffee.
7. Coffee
8. You dump it out. You make real coffee and you drink that instead.

What does your score mean?

1 to 3 correct—Why are you even taking this quiz? You’re not one of us. Go drink your green tea or other inferior beverage and leave us be.

4 to 5 correct—You like coffee but don’t have to drink it the second you wake up. You’re willing to wait five minutes, maybe even 10.

6 to 8 correct—You’ve already had three cups before taking this quiz, and now you want a fourth.

Article appears in the October 2017 issue of Augusta Magazine.

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